A While Ago It Was So.

New Years Eve. Wow. A whole year has passed? Really? Are you quite sure? Because to me it should be the summer, and I have a fever and I should be waking up in the spare room of our house. Because that’s where I’m still stuck. 

I remember last New Years Eve. Next-door party. Lots of chips, and my first foray into 7 Layer Dip (which looks so nice until you take a bite and then the dish looks all gross!). I remember Champagne and a Christmas tree brushing the top of a cathedral ceiling, the needles dry and presents unwrapped sitting under the tree. And I remember learning that Journey song ‘Don’t Stop Believing’ on the out of tune piano and playing it over and over again until I could play it with the funky rhythm right. We played tag and hide-and-go-seek with way to much shrieking and hiding. And playing speed and some board game. And the game with stacking cups. And counting down till midnight, surrounded by good people, and the kids throwing torn paper down from the balcony.
You see, I can remember. The past. I forget that I used to remember sometimes. It feels strange to have the past in my mind when five minutes ago is gone. That was a good New Years Party. And I went home really late, crossing the grass in-between our houses in the pitch blackness, running, a nervous knot in my stomach until the motion light clicked on the side of our house. 
I do remember, you know.
I was sick then. I think a cold, or perhaps the beginning of a flu or something. Or I was getting over something. I wasn’t right and things weren’t right but it was too perfect to say it. Ever been in that place? Where something is so wrong and to say it would break the spell that makes it appear okay? So wrong it’s right almost, you don’t want to crack open that ugliness and feel the truth.
But this time it doesn’t feel cheesy to make some New Years hopes. To want a better year in 2009, for all of you and for me. ‘Cause next year is going to be hard, but it’s going to be different. It’s going to hurt and it’s going to get bad so it can get good. I put all that hope for a new year out there. That this year, things will be better. A year is a long time. A long time to change. 
People always said life isn’t fair, it’s just I never understood what that meant.  

2 Comments on A While Ago It Was So.

  1. raven
    January 1, 2009 at 6:23 pm

    I hope that 2009 brings you better health.

    Happy New Year.

  2. natalie
    January 5, 2009 at 1:55 pm

    Hey Nicoly,
    I hope that this year does improve- healthwise and spiritually. Keep on fighting and the effort will turn into progress. I miss you tons and think about you often. Hopefully you enjoyed yourself over the holidays and hopefully the magic wasn’t lost… Remember how you used to come to our old home and make iced christmas cookies? They were so yummy- plus we would dominate the whole bowl of left over icing with the mixing spoon. Good times!
    Enjoy the winter season- we have had constant thunderstorms with tons of humidity… we went to the ocean the other day when it was finally sunny- we swam among blue bottle jellyfish… not your typical experience. You would love the ocean here!! Good luck and lots of internet hugs to you!
    love natalie and family


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