I know that its a little early to make a list of the things that we are thankful for, but looking at all the colored leaves all over the place reminds me of Thanksgiving-being close to Plymouth Rock helps a bit to get me in the mood, I suppose. But since I have learned to appreciate each day as it comes, each moment as I live it and each memory that passes my mind by, I realize that I have so much good. Almost enough to keep the bad away. Just almost, but it’s always there to keep me oh so ‘grounded’, painfully so.
Each day I greet with a sigh of annoyance and frustration like everyone else. I don’t have to get up to an alarm so that means that when I wake, the only person I generally have to blame is myself and somehow hitting a barren dressing table, searching for the snooze button doesn’t help me fall deeper asleep for that stolen 20 minutes. Outside it’s beautiful but to me it doesn’t come through my window pane, it falls just short of where it should, like heavy expectations. Perhaps it appears that this would fit under my list of growing ironic curses, but I have come to believe (after it has been droned into my head thousands of times) that waking up in the morning, though it is a continuation of my suffering, it will lead to a better kind of end. The end of this disease. It will also lead to the stage of my life which I will call the “activist” stage. To make change I gotta get out of this hole first.
I am thankful for narcotics, and mothers and aunts to comfort you, I’m thankful for weather which always mixes up my day nicely. I am eternally grateful for ladders which continue to be lowered into the deeper and deeper holes that Lyme is burying me in. I know that later, as the pain becomes and dull ache and then a distant memory, I will be thankful for life. For the fact that I can sit by my window and watch the world fly by, that I can feel a wind lift me up and laughter shake my bones again.
Forgive the poeticism but this is the honest truth. I could never construct a lie about this when the truth is as beautiful as it is.
Beautiful things. That’s another that makes it worth it. I’m looking out of angry eyes and a little color and life always brightens me up. In stores, I reach out for brightly colored things; coats, shirts, hair scrunchii’s, pencil crayons, photographs…anything that catches my eye become the apple of it. I’m thankful for the ‘God’ or sweet technicolor-light-science which made this ‘color’ exist. I live for it. I breathe it. And makeup, in lurid colors. It makes me feel like I’m with my friend in a drugstore, browsing the isles, looking for new stuff or cool stuff on shopping trips to the downtown Victoria.
And my goodness, thank goodness for books! Its always nice to loose myself in someone else’s mind and life for awhile and escape mine. And my am I glad to have some fun games around and wonderfully silly people to play them with.
But above all, I cling to one ideal, like so many others.
Not just my hope, which I am a little low on at the moment, but the loving, sweet warm glow of the hope of loved ones. It is the rock I cling to as I’m hanging off the cliff. It sounds cheesy but it is you guys, my friends and family who I laugh with (or at-its kind of a sketchy topic) and cry with and dance with and sing with and share most of my ‘finest’ moments with and live with and for. You have no idea how much I love and respect you. You define me. And keep me breathing. I am indebted to you. I never realized how much I value and rely on your love until now. I’m glad and most thankful for you guys. Thank you. What more can I say that hasn’t been said a hundred times.
I think of you guys all the time. I see you everywhere. In everything. Its strange. You are timeless and have spread your love out so far, it reaches me here.
I am thankful.
It makes me want to wear fall colors and wax press big leaves and walk outside and feel the breeze in my hair.
But I have proved that thankfulness isn’t just a onetime shot.
We shouldn’t take care of the earth just on Earth Day, love solely on Valentines day, celebrate life just on a birthday and death on the Day of the Dead, make jokes only on April Fools and eat mini chocolates and be free on Halloween.
Everyday is a holiday. An adventure, both good and bad. And to me that is worth living for. Worth waking up and drifting off to sleep knowing that I have hope, and more things to be thankful for tomorrow.
I am so thankful.
cpomSeptember 29, 2008 at 4:56 am
We miss you so much and wish we could take some of your pain away. In the meantime, we think of you when we visit beaches, hear songs on the radio, eat carbs or play in the sand. Know that we are sending you and your family healing thoughts and we can hardly wait to see you again. Keep on writing as you have a gift to share with the world. Love ya, Lisa’s mom XoXoXo (the other Colleen in your life)
wendySeptember 30, 2008 at 2:28 pm
Nicola, your blog is an inspiration. I’m a very VERY old friend of your Mom and Nancy,sending you lots of love and best wishes. Keep up your wonderful spirit, girl!Reply
StephanieOctober 24, 2008 at 3:55 pm
Nicola! Are you going back to your Russian roots?! I miss you so much my heart is cracking.
At least you’re in one of my favorite parts of the world. I grew up on Long Island and on the streets of the Big Apple. The New England states are my favorite. And this time of year! I hope you’re getting to see some great color.
We’ve had the most luxuriously dreamy Indian Summer in Colorado this year. A few windy, chilly days and some delicious rain but mostly and still today golden light strewn on the lawns from Aspen leaves and pumpkins bubbling up in the fields.
You must get well and come visit before you go back to Van Isle. Or maybe I can come out there in the spring if you’re still in my country.
I know you want to know about my writing and how it’s going. FABULOUSLY! I’m impatient for it to go faster of course. But given my late start in life, it’s been as if doors open to me before I even knock on them–a privilege usually reserved only for the young! So you see, it truly never is too late.
I’m going to send you the monologue that won Best Monologue at the TriMedia Film Festival. And I’ve written it into a 10-page play (only 9 pages at present) to submit to a Mr. Joe Cacaci in December at his seminar in Denver. Google him and you’ll find that he’s a well-known director, producer and writer oh my! Can’t wait to have him tear it to shreds and tell me to keep my day job!
I have ideas for plays about the terrible hoodwinking of the American public over the food politics and plays about what freedom really means, etc. It’s good to have plans when one is uncertain if one has any future at all, speaking as an old person. I believe plans for the future keep you alive, which in your case is a good idea. Do whatever you must to keep yourself going forward. Every day you inhale another breath and morsel of life force.
It is my personal goal to get your body strong enough to not need the antibiotics. Your dear mother consents to my contribution of SP supplements and herbs and now we might have a nutritionist right there who can take my place, who actually has experience with Lyme’s. See? Your mom and I are a great team. She gets you to Connecticut and the right MD and I get you to the nutritionist who uses SP and specializes in Lymes’. Take a deep breath, my sweet, Nicola. The gifts of another day are yours.
In order to sent you the plays and whatnot, what email address should I use? If I don’t hear from you about it, I’ll send them to your momma.
Meanwhile, like armfulls of crisp red, gold, and orange leaves, I shower you with my love and kisses.