Live It Loud.

I feel muddled. I’m not going to lie to you all and tell you that I am strong all the time. I usually like to pretend that I never cry and don’t show emotions, which was true, generally, for the ‘old’ me. This ‘me’, the ‘now me’ who has found her way out of me to the surface, is a strange creature who I barely know. Somewhere between seeing a quarter of the states, and a dozen doctors, 3 tries at antibiotics and a bunch more test results number, I found…well as cheesy as it will undoubtedly sound…me. And I don’t even know what the change has been. It’s probably sitting down, literally, and watching the world go by that has brought me around to my new way of thinking. Too often people really just go through motions. Motions after motions after motions, which they seem to feel adds up to life. 

News flash: It’s time to dig in and LIVE IT UP. Live it loud. 
I hate to reiterate this point but its true. And a thousand others have said it and a million will say it later. But a cliche is a cliche for a reason. Carpe Diem. Its that stuff all over again. 
If some crazy mystic or stranger or even close friend had told me in February that I will not be walking in a few months, and I’d be on an IV in half a year, I’d have first been like ‘you’re a crazy mystic’ and all and then would have thought how could I be? I’m fine now. 
There is a reason people don’t act like bad things are going to happen to them. If they realized how often bad stuff happens to good people and began to see the end of the world as they know it everywhere, I think most of the population would be insane. To know the truth would scare the shit out of us. This kind of truth has no use, right? If I’d had known that walking in the wood would give me Lyme, and if I’d known how bad Lyme was, would I walk in the woods? I hate to say this but I probably would. Because that’s human nature. It won’t happen to me. And how ironic that something always does. 
Okay I actually have NO idea where that came from. That was way out of left field. Someone with a shit arm like me musta been pitching. 
The point. The Crux. I haven’t even made a point yet. But like the point is not really the point. I mean this is more a broad theorem. So actually I was going on a bridge and suddenly I ended up nowhere. 
I just know I changed. And that I wanted to change, as in ‘get better’ but I found that you just can’t pick small sections to change most of the time…all or nothing at all. 
They had it right though, those people that tout cliches. You must live for today because tomorrow is not promised. 

2 Comments on Live It Loud.

  1. raven
    January 1, 2009 at 6:18 pm

    One of the weirdest things about Chronic Lyme is that it forces one to live in the moment. To be one’s genuine self. It sounds cheesy, doesn’t it?

    I agree that it feels so weird to watch people living normal lives. So much of what they say is important, feels empty. The little things have become hugely important to me; I find I have no interest in trivialities. But you know, and this is going to sound harsh, bad things happen to people every day. Horrible things happen to wonderful people. It doesn’t matter if we go for that walk in the woods or if we stay home huddling under the table. There is nothing anyone can do to avoid this fact. It’s what we do when the bad times find us that defines us. I think you are doing great.

  2. Lisa
    January 3, 2009 at 3:03 am

    Hi Nicole!

    you know, everytime I read your blogs I can hear your voice saying those words. all your crazy sayings and pronounciations!

    sorry its a small note but i just gotta say i can still hear you and remember your face and personality like i saw you yesterday! i’ll never forget you!

    Mucho grande amor!
    hugs, hugs, and more hugs!

    ~ Lisa


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