There’s Only This

Wouldn’t it be nice to see into the future? To know for sure, without the shadow of doubt hovering over you, to know that things will work out!? To see yourself in 6 months, a year, or even 5, happy and healthy and laughing and just everyday living. 

Like old times.
Nothing makes me happier than when I imagine myself with me friends, see them laughing and saying weird things in my head. Just everyday living. Just average days. 
The past is the most potent drug. It has the power to bring you to tears of sadness or shame, or make a grin flit across your face, or make you laugh. You don’t need anyone to take a sip of the past; you just need to think hard and it will come to you, warm and loving like a best friend. Yes the past is a beautiful. But so is the future.
The future is a different kind of med. It is a wistful and distracting drug of beauty. It is full of ‘if-s’ and ‘maybe-s’ and ‘when-s’. It stretches your imagination so wide that it can pitch you into a whole new world that is yours to sculpt. And it is all yours and only reality can take it away from you.
And boy is reality a tonic and antidote to most things. What a fricken kill-joy that reality…
I love a taste of the past and spare a thought for the future but what is always best is the now. The now seems to be always left out and it deserves a chance.
“There is no future. There is no past. Thank god this moment’s not the last. There’s only us, there’s only this. forget regret, or life is yours to miss. No other road. No other way. No day but today.” – From ‘Rent’
That is the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me. 

10 Comments on There’s Only This

  1. raven
    November 1, 2008 at 6:00 pm

    It would be wonderful to see into the future and know that things will turn out. To be an ordinary person living an ordinary life, ignorant of the troubles that something like Lyme brings; sigh, I would give just about anything to be that person again. The future brings hope, it’s full of countless possibilities. But you are right, the now is most precious. It’s unique and we only have one chance to really enjoy it.

    Thanks for posting this.

  2. Lyme Action Group
    November 1, 2008 at 6:17 pm

    Nicole — Thanks for sharing your journey. I’m a chronic Lyme patient living in Waterdown, ON. The Ontario College of Physicians and Surgeons is now trying to shut down my doctor, for treating Chronic Lyme! I may end up a patient in the USA like you too. A group of concerned persons and patients has convened the Lyme Action Group to lobby for much needed change. Wish you the best with your treatment. — Rob M from Waterdown

  3. Anonymous
    November 3, 2008 at 1:02 am

    hi Nicole! it’s Lisa! from school, an old friend! remember me? don’t worry I’ll send u a picture of the whole gang minus a few together that will help u to remember! just a reminder, we love u dearly! we want you home asap! And we r also looking forward to spending time, laughing, crying, singing, dancing, and sipping bubble tea while shopping in La Senza with you! we think about u more than u will ever know and i love all your pieces of writing! they are strokes of genuis! of course it’s u so i should have suspected it would be!
    love to u and ur mummy!
    hugs and hugs and hugs and hugs!
    ~ Lisa (from Victoria, from GNS)

  4. Benello
    November 4, 2008 at 7:30 am

    Hi Nicole!
    It’s Sophie Benello from GNS in the grade above you. You may or may not remember me from many hours in choir and staying at my house some school nights.
    All I have to say is you are an inspirational writer. I can truly say that I doubt I will ever meet someone who can live up to your strength, wit, brilliance, and courage during such a difficult time. I keep checking back for a bite on the blog to hear more news with the hopes that you are a step closer to coming home. We all miss you and just know we will be here with open arms when you do come home.
    All my love to you and your mum.
    Keep Biting Back! I’ll be waiting for it.

  5. Anonymous
    November 6, 2008 at 3:48 am

    Hey Nicole!!!
    It’s your Tradewell, your Sarah Tradewell! I miss you so much and I can’t believe I haven’t been on your blog yet! I just want to say that you are a strong, beautiful, and all-around amazing girl, and I want you to know that no matter what happens, no matter what’s going on, we all love you like crazy and we’re here for you, all the time, whenever you need us.
    I’ll always be your Sarah Tradewell, ready for shopping at La Senza or our beloved BoSho and always ready to laugh. I love you so much.
    Sarah <3

  6. natalie
    November 12, 2008 at 7:15 pm

    I hope you can enjoy your special day…. hopefully lyme can’t take away that much from you- celebrate and have fun.
    I love and miss you lots-
    love nanny

  7. Anonymous
    November 13, 2008 at 9:09 pm

    The Wet Coast misses you.

  8. nicola
    November 14, 2008 at 8:39 am

    thank you beautiful people! your words give me so much strength and keep me moving forward. thank you infinitely from the bottom of my heart! i love you!

  9. Anonymous
    November 15, 2008 at 10:35 pm

    Hi Nicole!
    it’s Jen from school. I just wanted to say that you are truly an amazing friend and I admire your determination and.. everything about you! I miss our awesome chats and your hug attacks in the hallway. I will never forget all the good times we’ve shared and I’m sure there’s more and more to come, like, BUBBLE TEA!
    Love you lots and lots!!!
    Jen. xoxo


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