Think Scattered

I think my mind is playing mind tricks on me. It want me to think I am lowly and not worthy of memories.

I forget. I feel dumb to forget. I mean its so simple to hold on to and yet now I always leave it go. Cotton, jello, microwave noodles, that cheese in a tube that is clearly not cheese: that’s what I feel my brain is made of. 
I sit on my bed, into the wee hours of the morning. I see the stars twinkle and the sky lighten as it makes way for the suns reappearance. I know from the glow above my curtains that it is close to dawn. That its been hours since I should have gone to sleep. It makes me so mad.
I spend too much time in my own head. I’m an outward person usually and now I find that I reflect more and think of things more. I over think, maybe. But the past is so reliable.
Sitting cross legged on my bed, like I’m about to bust out a sick yoga move, I fall inside a memory as warm as it aught to be. 
A wok, big enough to use as a toboggan. All the neighbors. Kids. Frisbee. Duckduckgoose. Rocks. Chasing children. Eating hot, smoking stirfires. 20 cup rice cookers. New people. Old friends. Smiles. Wild asparagus growing the the ‘marsh’. Playing Credence and Metalica songs on the guitar. More smiles. More laughter. Girlies giggling and eating ice cream. Summer.

Average day with the Pierces. Playing cards. Sitting on the grass. Smoothies. Plastic cups. Old table cloths. Big green marbled ball, bouncing off Amy’s head. Laughter so loud and hard it hurts. Similes. More smiles.

Sitting. Just sitting and breathing in grass. And friends perfume. Just laughing. I hear just the laughter and the hard ground of the Field.

Football in the summer. Running in tights over the lawns. Teasing. Flirting. Smiling. Summer warmth. Heat. Classes to go to but we still haven’t won. So much love. Hugs. Oh and body checking. But more hugs

Full contact duckduckgoose. Girls screaming. Circles. Smiles.

Running, just running. Feet. Hearts. Lame P.E. uniforms. 

Burning pop tarts. Seattle. Victoria’s Secret. Perfume. A mess of clothes. And the feeling of more love than could fit in that two double bed room.

A basement. Two basses, a guitar, drums and an upright grand. Laughter. Strobe lights. Good rock music. Friendship. Just sitting and thinking. Strobe lights. Yes, it was a popular theme.

A classroom. Friends in a circle all laughing. Playing mafia for hours. Heat turned up to the max. Nachos. Smiles. You can taste the tang of dry heat and wet wool and love.

So many choir room lunches. Circles. Laughing. That’s what she said jokes. Sandwiches. Rice crisp bars. Beautiful piano. Harmonies. Harmonies. Together laughing and growing friends. Harmony. 

Goodbyes. Hellos. Secerts. Girlfriends. Makeup. Tears.

Empty school dances. Heat fogging the windows. Cold outside. Smiles. Dancing. Drinks. 

Shakespeare. Summer. Horses and hay and sweet smells. Love. A true company, built with so much love. Prospero and I piling on the deck. Chain reaction. A tangle of love and strength and friendship and numb legs and arms later. A feeling of one. Warmth. Laughter. Fuzzy peaches and Mars bars and Grammas’ snacks and costumes. Mustaches. Me and my half’s costumes.

My sister. A beautiful friend who flew the coup to South Africa. Smiling and hugging me and holding me. Remembering how we were mistaken for each other in primary school. Playing Barbies. Making Christmas cookies. Lipstick to ward off brothers. Hugs kisses more hugs and forever we will be sisters. My other half. Forever.

A laugh. Infectious. A friend. Heart wrenching familiar. Saddening to remember and yet not. 

Not being able to say ‘see you tomorrow’ at the end of each day. Leaving for a weeks journey and ending up here 4 months later. There is never enough you can put into a goodbye. 

A beautiful girl. With hair to envy mine. A smile practically ear to ear. A musical crazy-child. La Senza and BoSho visits and bubble tea. Busking. Choir and laughing and hugs. Dating a bestest friend. We’re tight. We were tight. If I could remember things would be all right.

Other scattered memories of friends. Whose voice is whos? Match faces, I know I can. Think Think THINK harder!!

I have scattered memories of all these things as though I saw them in a movie a great while ago and have forgotten details. Some things I remember as clearly as yesterday. But I have not forgotten you all. I will not. Because as long as I work at it and write down each day, the day will not die. It will not end. The day has been reborn in prose.

“Friendship consists in forgetting; what one gives, and remembering what one receives.” -> Alexandre Dumas Père

Think again if you think I will give in to a little thing called the now.

11 Comments on Think Scattered

  1. Forever Blankets
    November 14, 2008 at 9:13 pm

    Hope you had a Happy Birthday and enjoyed the visit from your Dad!

    Get well soon,

    Coral and Don

  2. gnsgirl
    November 14, 2008 at 9:38 pm

    Were all thinking of you nicole
    get well soon.
    we miss you so much

  3. Anonymous
    November 15, 2008 at 5:21 am

    Your choir binder is patiently waiting for you, as is the rest of the choir. The trip won’t be the same without you! (Now where did that flying pop tart come from?)
    Zen Hugs!
    Mrs. T

  4. Anonymous
    November 15, 2008 at 5:30 am

    Hey Bottles!
    It’s your Sarah Tradewell. I was so happy reading your post. I can’t even express how much it means to me to have you write and know that you remember, and you remember me and the wonderfully fun times we had together and with the whole gang. I knew those thinks were in there somewhere and so did you! I’m so happy, I keep thinking about all those wonderful times and I love you sososososo much it’s currAYzee!
    Your curly-haired friend will always be here for you and waiting for you to come home! I miss you so much… and HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY DEAREST NICOLE BOTTLES!!!!!
    Sarah Trades 🙂

  5. That Person
    November 16, 2008 at 3:31 am

    “Football in the summer. Running in tights over the lawns. Teasing. Flirting. Smiling. Summer warmth. Heat. Classes to go to but we still haven’t won. So much love. Hugs. Oh and body checking. But more hugs”

    I pretty much cried.

    Niccy-cita, I miss you so friggin’ much you don’t even know.

    You have to come home to me and share your pictures with me! I went on a trip to Arizona last weekend, and I took 1645 pictures, so we should have a share night.
    You show me New Haven, I’ll show you the Grand Canyon. 😀

    Come back soon, my niccy-cita.
    I can’t even express how much I miss you.

    Sometimes I wish I was a poet.

    Love forever and for always,
    Renée, Stray-cita, Adams.
    That girl that people mistook you for in gr.5 and 6, and gave you your first nosebleed.
    I’m still so incredibly sorry for that. D:

    Happy Birthday <3

  6. Lana
    November 16, 2008 at 11:23 pm

    hey it Ilana from school
    just looking at that, all those good times, lol burning the pop tart. trying to fan away the smoke with random clothes and towels…
    the choir lunches-we miss you so much, they’re not half as fun anymore. i remeber how u called us all monkeys>< funny stuff:P i went to the lyme thing last night it was a huge reality check for me i just wnat you to know you’ve got a whole community behind you strangers, friends teachers, parents, supporting you. i saw your video and what you have to go through every day-im amazed, i remeber you being terrified of needles and blood youve changes so much and yet not at all. we all miss you so much.
    ur awsome and so so strong
    love you and happy belated birthday.

  7. Dobby
    November 17, 2008 at 6:51 am

    “Full contact duckduckgoose. Girls screaming. Circles. Smiles.
    Running, just running. Feet. Hearts. Lame P.E. uniforms.”

    hahah I remember playing that..good times in P.E lol. I’m glad you remember to, even if only distantly.
    sending all my love,

  8. Anonymous
    November 19, 2008 at 6:15 am

    Hey darling ^^
    it’s Mika
    It seems that I never have time to be on MSN and when I am you are not and when you are I’m not
    I miss you a lot and I send my prayers for thee…
    Reading these posts make me feel as though you are only a few minutes away. I can almost see you, hear you and hug you…
    Happy late birthday and stay strong I know you can!
    -Mika Choi-

  9. Anonymous
    November 20, 2008 at 3:36 am

    You are so brave. I am wishing you the best of luck with your recovery and will continue to read your blog. Hang in there Nicole out thoughts are with you.

  10. daisysmum
    November 21, 2008 at 12:46 am

    Hey Nicole,

    Gosh it seems like forever, and then perhaps it has been. We follow your blog and send positive thoughts and prayers for you every day.
    If I could give you a memory I have of you it would be purple penguins.
    When you used to look after Molly and Daisy (before Daisy got sick) you would come and make play-dough penguins with Molly. It was your own fault, because you made such a mean penguin that she wouldn’t let you make anything else. would come and make penguins, purple ones usually and Molly loved it. I loved that you took time to come and help me when I had such a fussy little baby (Daisy) and a busy toddler (Molly).
    These same little girls are painting a small box for you, and packing it with some items we hope will give you a smile and give you strength to continue towards your health.
    Hugs to to your mom and dad. Thinking of you all


  11. Lisa
    January 3, 2009 at 2:55 am

    Hi Nicole!

    Oh i remember some of these memories! The Seattle trip, Jess burning the pop tarts (we’ll never let her forget it :P) then trying to fan the smoke alarm with my pajama bottoms and knocking it off the ceiling! Wow! Great times!
    I swear before you know it, you’ll wake up one morning and think ‘hey, i get to return to victoria today and see all my friends!’ And you do realize that once you’re back here we’ll never let you out of our sight!

    Haha, remember the beach we went to not far from my house and the whole time we were there, we collected seas shells and broken glass bits to make crafts? we still call it Nicole’s beach and when you come back, we’ll have to return one summer day!

    Remember when we took Keeper out for a walk around your neighbourhood and this dog started following us? ten minutes later some guy came by in a truck and asked if we had seen his dog, and we’re thinking ‘yeah, we told him to get lost a few minutes ago…guess dogs understand more than we give them credit for’!

    I think about you all the time darling! sending you all my love and a couple hugs your way! say ‘hi’ to your mum and dad! stay strong!


    ~Lisa <3


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