Oh *Cringe* it’s been way too long since I’ve written. It’s hard sometimes to talk about the bad stuff when you feel like it won’t end anytime soon. I’ve been having a rough few months to put it mildly and we can’t seem to figure out what’s going on. I think I might have been in withdrawal from the pain meds we’re shuffling around, or perhaps majorly herxing from the medical cannabis I’ve started using -which is really really REALLY helping everything. Except for when I herx. But I digress. I ended up in the ER a few weeks ago with severe abdominal pain (thought my appendix burst or something!) and forgetting to breathe and a whole bunch of weird suff which was possibly from withdrawal or slight overdose, which they didn’t figure out at the ER. I wrote this poem during a full night of strange seizure, excruciating involuntary movement, and knife-like abdominal pain.
Scale from 1-10
Pain in the abdomen that feel like
a car alarm going off,
smoke detector blaring,
volcanic,
ambulance wailing,
and I,
stranded.
In my house. In my walls.
My body, weary travel companion;
Undetachable from this.
Unreachable.
onetotenonetoten
one to ten
What is your pain like on
a scale
of
one
to
ten?
But the pain dosen’t speak
It doesn’t do roll call
and count the ways it is itself.
It leads to the same conclusion:
too much.
A number a number
no waiting room number
just my identifying health care number
which for security reasons I shall not inscribe here
but
it’s 9 digits long, and roughly speaking
marks my number
on that scale
you weigh my suffering in.
Pain, unaccountable.
And I am still here in this darkening place
while ignorant armies
clash, crush, burn, stab,
in the early morning night.
Undefinable
Unattachable
Undetachable
Unreachable. Yes.
and
undefeatable.
BJ
July 18, 2014 at 7:17 pmKEEP STRONG GIRL…………THANKS FOR THE NEW LINK!! P.S. BEEN DOING ANY KNITTING THIS SUMMER? BEEN REALLY HOT HERE IN IDAHO………….:)
nbottles
August 1, 2014 at 3:50 amthank you <3. i HAVE been knitting up a storm. recently tho, i've been feeling so crappy that I haven't even wanted to knit: lots of seizures! i usually judge the severity of my illness by asking myself the simple question "do i still want to knit?" LOL! everyday is getting better tho!