The night time holds a strange power over me. Not knowing if I will spend hours lying motionless, in turns reading; knitting; meditating; staring at the inside of my eyelids – or sleeping. When my head hits the pillow it sometimes feels like I am playing a game of chance, and I know in my heart that try as I can to boost my odds, sometimes I will loose. And I’m learning to embrace this roulette with courage and acceptance. For perhaps this falls under the category of “things I cannot change”.
Thank goodness for the sunrise. For a new day beginning just when you didn’t think the blackness of night would end. For mornings and the afternoons that follow, and for the promise they bring.
I have been sleeping much better since my last few treatments at the Hansa Clinic in Kansas [And I’m *so* grateful. . Why? No idea. Why did the dozen sleeping pills I’ve tried not work, or have the reverse affect? Why can I mediate for 8 hours, and not slip into sleep? Why can I stay awake for days and still be alert? Wouldn’t it be nice if the answer was I’m actually a Vampire, and I’ve replaced a need for sleep with a need for blood? Hold on, no … that would be awful. I’m a vegan. …
I no longer wish to be a vampire. Let it be struck from the records.
It still takes me what feels like an eternity to fall asleep, but most night it happens. A few hours feels delicious. Versus not sleeping at all several days a week, most nights I do catch a few winks. But it makes me crave more. I want to keep sleeping! It’s been so long since I’ve slept well that I feel the need to catch up, which apparently isn’t possible, but my brain doesn’t know that. It just wants more of that awesomeness. It’s hard to get up. But the sunlight is calling. And I answer.
I started this post at night, sprinkled a few words in the afternoon, and here I am again, another night. It’s a different perspective. At night, there is a sense of almost dread, exhausted by the uncertainty. And then during the afternoon, the day is so full of wonder. It’s waiting to be unrolled and for all the corners of time to be crept into. So full of magic and light and clouds and breaths.
Insomnia is a dragon-like beast that soars into evenings, leaving the umbra of it’s wings back-lit against the stillness. Did you see it’s scale flash as the film credits rolls? The cool shadow as you brushed your teeth. It flickers just out of sight until you clamber into pajamas and sheets.
And then I try to face the night with my eyes on the beauty of moonrise, and brilliant sunrise that is promised to follow.
AliciaFebruary 9, 2016 at 5:28 am
Nicole – this gets better with treatment. I did most of my reading/learning of MSIDS (multi systemic disease syndrome – coined by Horowitz as we are rarely infected with just borrelia, the causative agent of Lyme Disease) during those times of insomnia. I also learned as you are that beating yourself up or worrying just jams the brain like a loose cog, so knit away, dearie. You’ll get a hell of a lot of booties made! Some of the best advice I got from another warrior is to give yourself permission to not get depressed about being depressed. It will pass but when it comes, it’s OK. LDN & melatonin really helped but until I got on top of the parasites I was up like clockwork from 3-5am.Reply
Keep your chin up,
Madison Lyme Support Group