Posted in insomnia

Insomnia is a Dragon.

The night time holds a strange power over me. Not knowing if I will spend hours lying motionless, in turns reading; knitting; meditating; staring at the inside of my eyelids – or sleeping. When my head hits the pillow it sometimes feels like I am playing a game of chance, and I know in my heart that try as I can to boost my odds, sometimes I will loose. And I’m learning to embrace this roulette with courage and acceptance. For perhaps this falls under the category of “things I cannot change”.

Thank goodness for the sunrise. For a new day beginning just when you didn’t think the blackness of night would end. For mornings and the afternoons that follow, and for the promise they bring.

I have been sleeping much better since my last few treatments at the Hansa Clinic in Kansas [And I’m *so* grateful. . Why? No idea. Why did the dozen sleeping pills I’ve tried not work, or have the reverse affect? Why can I mediate for 8 hours, and not slip into sleep? Why can I stay awake for days and still be alert? Wouldn’t it be nice if the answer was I’m actually a Vampire, and I’ve replaced a need for sleep with a need for blood? Hold on, no … that would be awful. I’m a vegan. …

I no longer wish to be a vampire. Let it be struck from the records.

It still takes me what feels like an eternity to fall asleep, but most night it happens. A few hours feels delicious. Versus not sleeping at all several days a week, most nights I do catch a few winks. But it makes me crave more. I want to keep sleeping! It’s been so long since I’ve slept well that I feel the need to catch up, which apparently isn’t possible, but my brain doesn’t know that. It just wants more of that awesomeness. It’s hard to get up. But the sunlight is calling. And I answer.

I started this post at night, sprinkled a few words in the afternoon, and here I am again, another night. It’s a different perspective. At night, there is a sense of almost dread, exhausted by the uncertainty. And then during the afternoon, the day is so full of wonder. It’s waiting to be unrolled and for all the corners of time to be crept into. So full of magic and light and clouds and breaths.

Insomnia is a dragon-like beast that soars into evenings, leaving the umbra of it’s wings back-lit against the stillness. Did you see it’s scale flash as the film credits rolls?  The cool shadow as you brushed your teeth. It flickers just out of sight until you clamber into pajamas and sheets.

And then I try to face the night with my eyes on the  beauty of moonrise, and brilliant sunrise that is promised to follow.

Full Day

For not sleeping very well and having low energy, I think I put a serious amount of energy into this wonderful day!

The library has just got in a whole whack of really awesome knitting and spinning books, which I have eagerly been reading this week. I am particularly enthralled with the “Fleece and Fiber Sourcebook”, which describes in depth over 200 different animals which produce fiber! Pretty pictures. My only regret is that this isn’t a touch and feel book, like “Pat the Bunny”! Alas.

Michelle and I did an exhausting yoga practice today, although it was well worth the fatigue to be able to relax so fully afterwards. My whole body feels like it was untied from a bunch of stressed knots. Lovely. Michelle works me hard, but that is because she has such faith in me…knowing that I will try my best, while listening to my body. I cannot thank my amazing teachers enough for their belief in me, in my healing. Such positivity is infectious, and is multiplied exponentially in the heart. <3

I have been feeling so low lately. Weak inside, starving, but eating just fine now. It is frustrating, because in I feel as though my body is crying out for nutrients, although my blood work looks the best it has in years.

Wednesday is choir practice with the Linden singers, 2 hours which leaves me breathless, literally, and also because I am so enthralled with the whole experience. I recently learned that 2 other members  The repertoire is challenging and interesting, and our upcoming holiday concert, with the theme “Christmas American Style” should be great fun for everyone, regardless of religious belief or age. “From the spontaneity and infectiousness of the tunes of Irving Berlin to the grandeur of a contemporary American Magnificat.” There is definitely something for everyone, even if you are an atheist, like me. In case you are in town, and interested in hearing some sweet holiday music, the concert takes place on Saturday 3 December 2011 at 7:30 PM at First Metropolitan United Church at Quadra & Balmoral. Tickets are available through me or another Linden singer, of course, or at Ivy’s Bookstore, Munro’s Bookstore or Long and McQuade Music, and at the door. Just something to bear in mind :).

I was feeling really down today, and I’m not really sure why. Maybe it was the weather, but I was feeling very listless and couldn’t settle to anything all day. Distracted, but not thinking about anything else. Could be from lack of sleep…some days are just like that, I guess. I spun for a wee while before my shower and that really perked me up. I hadn’t spun in a little while, because my legs have been rather exhausted, and I’d prefer to practice yoga than spin when I have to choose. Hopefully tomorrow, with a good restful nights sleep, I’ll feel more like myself.

Sleeping, Singing, and Sharing

The zombie finally got to sleep! My new record is four straights nights without sleep. Does anyone else remember that House episode where this girl doesn’t sleep for almost a week, which is apparently the longest you can go without sleep before dying? Maybe that episode was a bit hysterical…but don’t worry, I wasn’t worried about this. I was just damn frustrated that I could meditate all night and not fall asleep. I slept fitfully, and for just a couple of hours, but still, I feel a wee bit more human today. Just as well, because I was starting to have a strong desire to hunt down humans, and kill and eat them. (hold on…that was a continuation of the zombie reference. work with me here. zombies eat ppl right? or is that vampires? oh lord…who cares?).

Last night was the first official practice of the Linden singers. It’s been really hot here, so upstairs in the First Met church was sweltering, even in the late evening. There was a meeting…I didn’t really understand what was going on because it was so formal. I took notes tho :). The people are all so lovely, despite our age gap. I’ve always gotten on very well with adults, even as a young child, so it didn’t seem strange to me. Hopefully I can recruit some more young people for next year…that would be nice. I am singing soprano. Oh yes, you read that right. I feel like a mouse being pinched every time I hit a note an octave about middle C. It’s not a pretty sound, but it is a sound noise none the less. I used to sing alto/tenor in school choir (mostly to make up for the lack of boys). Linden has oodles of tenors and basses…it’s such a novel sound for me!

My friend Angela, who I haven’t seen in a gillion years because we’ve both been away and just plain busy, is coming over tonight for pizza! It’s the new and delicious GF crust from the “Gluten-free Goddess'” blog. I can smell the yeasty dough from the living room, one of my favorite smells. I’m sure it rose beautifully today because it is so hot and humid. 21 degrees in the late afternoon is just fine by me. Hopefully we’ll be seeing the last Harry Potter movie later tonight. We haven’t gone yet!!! Almost out of theaters too,

I listened to the radio interview my mum and I gave the other day at CBC. The radio show is called “On the Island”, a morning favorite. Check out Sept 7th program, “Living with cougars, honouring Campbell, Lyme Liberation treatment and memorial trees“, to listen to our interview. We used to listen to a bit of CBC in the morning rides into school, and I recognize Gregor Craigie’s voice! Very tranquil. Another opportunity to spread the word about Lyme disease, and the Liberation therapy…hopefully this knowledge can help others.

I also created a chair yoga blog today, called “8 Limbs, 1 Chair“, which will document my healing journey through  yoga. I am very excited about this! Michelle encouraged me to reflect on my learning journey, and what a great thing to share with fellow Lymies, and people in wheelchairs! Hopefully I can inspire others to try it…who knows, it could make all the difference in your health!

Running Around Town

How delicious is it to be busy while your friends slave at school? Mwahaha. But in all seriousness, I am very jealous that I am not going back to school this September. What would I give to complain about the weight of my backpack and the cost of books and the bad/late profs like the rest? Good things come to those who can be EFFing patient enough to get them!!!!

On a humorous note, by big cuz Amy showed up to school at 8:30 sharp, only to learn that school starts tomorrow. Hillarious.

Last week, dear Bonnie Henry – the BCCDC’s resident expert hypocrite, with a sickly sweet voice like Professor Umbrage – was on CBC radio, assuring the public that doctors are very knowledgeable about Lyme disease (when from her OWN statistics, it states that 6 out of 10 doctors surveyed didn’t know Lyme disease was a reportable illness). Of course, these downright lies and ignorance of their own statistics anger my mum (and I), who wrote to CBC, informing them of this error and Mrs. Henry’s falsehoods.

click the pic to enlarge CDC’s Lyme findings

Around this same time, an article about the affects of my CCSVI procedure came out in the Sooke News Mirror. CBC interviewed us both this afternoon, inquiring about the results of the Liberation procedure, and why we decided to take the risks, and responding to the controversy. It was very interesting. Hopfully it will air tmr morning…sometime after 7:30 am. Guess I’ll have to wait for zee podcast version to listen!

Out interview today was so early that we could go for lunch! We went to the Solstice cafe, an organic cafe downtown, with many vegan items. The soups are always vegan, and there were samosas too! The espresso brownie, and the GF carrot cake (both vegan) are to die for. Heaven! If you’re from Victoria, or ever visit, this is one very cool and always scrumptious stop!

Right next door to the Solstice, Sarah Kramer, vegan chef extraordinaire and cookbook author, has opened up the worlds’ smallest vegan curio shop! Clothing, toys, chocolate bars, jewelry -> all %100 vegan! We had fun browsing and chatting with the lovely Sarah. She is my vegan hero…and her cookbooks made life tasty for me again!

Our goal was to really tire me out today. I haven’t slept in 3 days, and it’s really starting to make me feel awful. My brain feel raw and numb, like a sponge that has been squeezed too forcefully. I have no idea why my insomnia has been so bad this past month…this ‘not sleeping all night’ thing has happened often. I’m not stressed or thinking about things at night, I’m not in pain I can’t handle, I’m exhausted but just can’t turn the light of my brain off. Very frusterating…but at least

~Life has a way of returning lost items for you, when you least expect. I found nail polish, a gel pen, and a piece of popcorn in the back of my chair.