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Archive of ‘Thankfulness’ category

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The Penultimate Post

I’m going to be home tomorrow, this time tomorrow actually. After a year of waiting, it seems almost cruel that I will have no anticipation of the moment, that I can just step of the plane and back to the world, without feeling the past year and hopes on my shoulders.

I wonder if I should feel more anxious, excited, worried. I wonder if its from the drugs, but I feel nothing at all, just an emptiness that fills me up. I want to feel anxious, and excited and worried.

The lake is beautiful. It doesn’t matter if you live in even one of those breathtaking postcards or posters, no one could deny that it is. That it is peaceful too. Its nice being here, and of COURSE being with my family, which has been too much fun! (I’m not being sarcastic, honest!!)

(Thank you so much you guys! Thank you for not only feeding me soup when I was sick at home, but for driving/pushing me across the country, and sitting through bad times, and laughing with me in the good ones and for listening to all that medical jargon and translating it later, and repeatedly for me. For hugging me and still loving me! Thank you so much for, after all that, you actually let me stay at your house, Nancy and Phil. You were just asking for trouble, you know that, don’t cha? Thank you so much for playing more games than you probably have in a while. Thanks building a whole ramp so I didn’t have to climb the stairs (which definitely would have sucked, not gonna lie) and for making me feel that much more welcomed and loved, and for all the laughs, Phil. Amy, it was just SO cool that you hung out with me, even though I was/am all sick and boring, and that you love me even still. Thanks for the coffee stops and mall ransacking, and the chilling in your valuable spare time. Love ya chickie! Thank you so much, Nancy, for looking after me for an inordinate amount of time and for all the laughs and hugs! Thank you so much for all the love, dedication and patience, and for still loving me, even when it would be hard to, Mama! I love you guys more than I could ever tell you.

I can’t wait to be home. To be able to say that I am home, and look around and be some where remotely familiar. To use those words would make me so happy, and feel a little more hopefully about tomorrow, and the next dash of tomorrows.

Thankfulness | 3 Comments

Hope for the Fall

I know that its a little early to make a list of the things that we are thankful for, but looking at all the colored leaves all over the place reminds me of Thanksgiving-being close to Plymouth Rock helps a bit to get me in the mood, I suppose. But since I have learned to appreciate each day as it comes, each moment as I live it and each memory that passes my mind by, I realize that I have so much good. Almost enough to keep the bad away. Just almost, but it’s always there to keep me oh so ‘grounded’, painfully so.

Each day I greet with a sigh of annoyance and frustration like everyone else. I don’t have to get up to an alarm so that means that when I wake, the only person I generally have to blame is myself and somehow hitting a barren dressing table, searching for the snooze button doesn’t help me fall deeper asleep for that stolen 20 minutes. Outside it’s beautiful but to me it doesn’t come through my window pane, it falls just short of where it should, like heavy expectations. Perhaps it appears that this would fit under my list of growing ironic curses, but I have come to believe (after it has been droned into my head thousands of times) that waking up in the morning, though it is a continuation of my suffering, it will lead to a better kind of end. The end of this disease. It will also lead to the stage of my life which I will call the “activist” stage. To make change I gotta get out of this hole first. 
I am thankful for narcotics, and mothers and aunts to comfort you, I’m thankful for weather which always mixes up my day nicely. I am eternally grateful for ladders which continue to be lowered into the deeper and deeper holes that Lyme is burying me in. I know that later, as the pain becomes and dull ache and then a distant memory, I will be thankful for life. For the fact that I can sit by my window and watch the world fly by, that I can feel a wind lift me up and laughter shake my bones again. 
Forgive the poeticism but this is the honest truth. I could never construct a lie about this when the truth is as beautiful as it is. 
Beautiful things. That’s another that makes it worth it. I’m looking out of angry eyes and a little color and life always brightens me up. In stores, I reach out for brightly colored things; coats, shirts, hair scrunchii’s, pencil crayons, photographs…anything that catches my eye become the apple of it. I’m thankful for the ‘God’ or sweet technicolor-light-science which made this ‘color’ exist. I live for it. I breathe it. And makeup, in lurid colors. It makes me feel like I’m with my friend in a drugstore, browsing the isles, looking for new stuff or cool stuff on shopping trips to the downtown Victoria. 
And my goodness, thank goodness for books! Its always nice to loose myself in someone else’s mind and life for awhile and escape mine. And my am I glad to have some fun games around and wonderfully silly people to play them with.
But above all, I cling to one ideal, like so many others.
Hope.
Not just my hope, which I am a little low on at the moment, but the loving, sweet warm glow of the hope of loved ones. It is the rock I cling to as I’m hanging off the cliff. It sounds cheesy but it is you guys, my friends and family who I laugh with (or at-its kind of a sketchy topic) and cry with and dance with and sing with and share most of my ‘finest’ moments with and live with and for. You have no idea how much I love and respect you. You define me. And keep me breathing. I am indebted to you. I never realized how much I value and rely on your love until now. I’m glad and most thankful for you guys. Thank you. What more can I say that hasn’t been said a hundred times. 
I think of you guys all the time. I see you everywhere. In everything. Its strange. You are timeless and have spread your love out so far, it reaches me here. 
I am thankful.
So thankful.
It makes me want to wear fall colors and wax press big leaves and walk outside and feel the breeze in my hair. 
But I have proved that thankfulness isn’t just a onetime shot.
We shouldn’t take care of the earth just on Earth Day, love solely on Valentines day, celebrate life just on a birthday and death on the Day of the Dead, make jokes only on April Fools and eat mini chocolates and be free on Halloween. 
Everyday is a holiday. An adventure, both good and bad. And to me that is worth living for. Worth waking up and drifting off to sleep knowing that I have hope, and more things to be thankful for tomorrow.
Thank you. 
I am so thankful.
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