I don’t know whats wrong with me these days. Well actually I take that back but I still feel…weird, even for me! I think it could be the new drugs that I’m on that make me forget completely about food. I just am not hungry at all. Which is really weird for me because I’m usually perpetually hungry. And when I am forced to eat, I have the hardest problem making decisions. About everything, really. I feel so anxious, but that isn’t the right word, maybe tense and confused, when I have to choose something. It is crazy! I’m not indecisive! GAH!
Like it is totally not cool when you have to wake up to the sweet serenade of a fire alarm. I mean NOT COOL! Okay, so it’s 4:30 and basically I just turned out the light when the damn thing starts squawking. I swear it is like a bazillion decibels above the legal limit. Of course I screamed loud as hell, but it was SO loud I couldn’t hear my scream, which obviously means it was KILLER loud. Did I mention it is about 23 F ( -5 C) out there!? I mean that is the point that blood freezes in the veins right? Maybe just my veins. So we pack on clothes and join the sleepy exodus from building 5. Just how I love to start the morning right?
The ceiling is not all rough, so I can’t pick shapes out of the sky. There are no little holes in the ceiling, or grooves, like a doctors office, so I can’t count dots. I can’t connect them either. This makes late night ceiling meditation difficult and too boring. Obviously!
I think my mind is playing mind tricks on me. It want me to think I am lowly and not worthy of memories.
“Friendship consists in forgetting; what one gives, and remembering what one receives.” -> Alexandre Dumas Père
Wouldn’t it be nice to see into the future? To know for sure, without the shadow of doubt hovering over you, to know that things will work out!? To see yourself in 6 months, a year, or even 5, happy and healthy and laughing and just everyday living.
I feel there is no oasis, not now. And there was not one yesterday, or the day before yesterday or tomorrow. I am certain. There is an desert of questions and untouchable memories and I am a thirsty nomad just looking for a drink. But I didn’t come to the desert, I was home and wandered and wandered and wandered, following signs and advice from tourists, calling down from the safety of their hot air balloons passing over head. They’d cry, “There is water this way! Follow!” or “Home is this way! Turn around! You are headed the wrong way!”. And each time I was directed, I was misdirected, and each time I followed a sign, it pointed me in the wrong direction. So now I have blown into the desert and I am still searching for another sign, another tourist to point me to an oasis. If you wander far enough, if you travel long enough, if you struggle enough, if you see enough and learn enough you will find an oasis.
I’m really unremarkable. Just a nose, eyes, lips, curls…the usual right? So why is it that everyone stares? Honestly…
Fact. It is time. I think the world could be ready. Could be ready for the facts.
Yesterday (or was it the day before…) we stayed overnight in a hotel because the next day I had to go to a pain doctor. I’m not entirely sure what he said, but I now understand that nerve pain is a very complex pain and there is no ‘right’ or ‘good’ way to treat it, but some things help. I so was looking more for a quick cure, an easy fix, something that would just numb me to the core and take me out of this pain. But the fast patch jobs never last long and don’t ‘deal with the problem’. And that, my friends, we know sucks. Majorly.
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